A Deep Breath (#9)

I spent the last thirty minutes trying to explain this feeling of intellectual inadequacy that has plagued me since college. However, by the fourth paragraph, I realized this particular topic required more time. Once again procrastination undermined my blogging. But I am not allowing this bad habit to prevent me from writing my weekly post. Instead, I will share with you what triggered today's attempt to chronicle my struggles with my ignorance.

(I've shared Gustave Courbets' the Desperate Man before. And, again, it fits my reaction so well.)

A (Proto) Book Review (#0)

The deer may have stripped away my young sunflowers, but, so far, my tomato and Brussels sprout plants are thriving. In addition, at the start of last week, I finished setting up my grow bags. The cucumber seedlings have sprouted, and the summer squashes are working their way to the surface (the green tip of one was pushing up a piece of mulch). Finally, this past Friday, I planted the pole beans.

That just leaves the twelve peppers, which are sitting in converted thirty-two ounce yogurt containers. Since the beginning of June!  They need more space. However. I still have not built the raised beds for them. All this intense heat is making it difficult. There is still time to transplant, though. While their initial growth requires soil warmed by the heat of early summer, the cooler temperatures of September can speed up the ripening process. Yet, there is a point of no return, and it is arriving soon.

I may have to forgo the peppers this year. 

And I am okay with that.

(The Google newsfeed on my phone often sends me down rabbit holes of painful social media discourse; occasionally, the discussions serve up some delightful discoveries. The piece below, titled The Laundress, by Jean-Baptiste Greuze, is one such beautiful example of the latter. The reddit thread, which exposed me to this piece of art, was arguing the significance of her gaze. I have my own opinion about that look... and of her shoe--is it just me, or does it look too small for her foot?)

A Deep Breath (#8)

I began this post around 10 am, with the hopes of finishing it by noon. Something got in the way. The past kind of caught up with me. Better now, though. After some ruminations and conversations, I came back to this post, and wrapped it up. A little halfheartedly. However, I finished it. Now on to laundry and other chores.

(Well, at least the interruption has given me fodder for a future post or two.)

(I decided to grow short sunflower plants in a pot out front. They were doing so well, until a deer decided to feast on them. I had not thought of that eventuality. Perhaps an analogy to current events in my life? The question now is how will I react?)

A Deep Breath (#7)

It is noon on a bright, hot Sunday about midway through July. A busy week is unfolding, and I have a blog post to complete. But, my pool, which I have only experienced twice this season--both times last week--beckons. That is why I spent the morning completing chores and minor goals. Mostly laundry and some gardening tasks. And prepping the pool. It is also why I am sitting in my bedroom, on a recliner, trying to knock out a post.

I intend to get into that pool before dinner.

(An explanation for the photo is in the post itself.)

Confessions (#18)

Since last Saturday, I have been on vacation, spending time with family at a North Carolina beach. I used it as an excuse to avoid writing last week's blog post. And I would have let it go, if not for all the other missing blog posts since the beginning of this year. So, I became disappointed with myself. That led to a lack of daily journaling. Five straight days went by without any written self-reflection. However, there was plenty of internal self-criticism. In addition, except for Sunday, I deliberately avoided my vacation ritual: a daily, early morning hike up and down the beach, followed by an hour long talk with my parents. Like a positive-feedback loop, things spiraled out of control. The planned fiction writing? The random sketches? Nothing. Finally, by mid week, I put away the three books I had packed for this trip--without a single page read.

Please do not think I did not enjoy my vacation. I had a lot of fun, between the good food, playing in the ocean with my daughters, seeing my nephews, talking with my family, and hanging out with my wife. And I did get to relax, whether it was drifting with the waves, going out to eat instead of making dinner, or just staring out the car window listening to music and funny conversations.

However, I have a problem. It is like people who suffer from chronic anxiety. No matter how relaxing and calm the situation, these people will find something to be anxious about. While it may not always be debilitating, it remains frustrating. Worse, it reinforces the behavior. It becomes an endless cycle.

For me, it is creating. No matter the place and time, I fret over the projects that I have not started, or the ones I have not completed. Rather than confronting this mental obstacle, I avoid it, by daydreaming. But daydreaming is a drug--it is temporary. Soon, I realize I am not getting anything done, and I get annoyed with myself. The cycle begins anew. The worst part is that most of this happens exactly when I should be taking it easy, and enjoying the present moment.

Precisely because I am not creating when I should be, I hate myself when I do not create when I am relaxing. 

So, what causes this internal strife? Have I found a viable solution?

Read on to find out.

(From the show, Adventure Time. IMHO, one of the greatest animated series of all time.)