Meandering Thoughts (#19)

Yes, all my life, I have associated myself
with the goofy guy on the right. In my defense,
he does say and do some cool things.
It just takes some time for him to get there.  

I almost began tonight's post announcing a leave of absence, for some unspecified amount of time, from blogging. However, after writing what follows, I have decided to stick with this project. How long, and in what form? That remains to be seen. For now, I present some raw, unfiltered thoughts. 

In a novel by Peter S. Beagle called The Last Unicorn. one of the main characters is a wizard called Schmendrick.  As his name implies, he is a bit of a schmuck. Although he seeks to be a great magician, his inability to control magic keeps him from achieving his dream. When we first meet him, he is working for an old witch, Mommy Fortuna, who is mocked by her own peers, and forced to run a traveling carnival of fake mythical creatures. Thinking little of Schmendrick, she and her son abuse him. Unable to bend magic to his will, the poor wizard is stuck. Until he meets a real unicorn.

I grew up on the animated film adaptation of the book. As in, I must have watched it a thousand times. It was not until adulthood, when I finally read the book--it did not disappoint. There is so much to say about the story, both the material itself, and my experience of it. For the moment, however, I want to focus on the dialogue of Schmendrick, a literary character whom, through the years, I have found myself identifying with the most. His "it's a very rare person who is taken for what he truly is" remains a mantra to this day.  

But tonight, another one of his conversations has popped into my head. A female traveling companion, Molly Grue, is witnessing the last unicorn struggle against a dangerous enemy: 

Molly Grue: "Please! Please do something!"

Schmendrick the Magician: "What can I do? Do you think the Red Bull likes card tricks? If I could, I would change her into some other creature, some beast too humble for the Bull to be concerned with. But that would take a real magician with real magic, and I can't pretend anymore..."

Molly Grue: "But you do. You have magic. Maybe you can't find it, but it's there. You called Robin Hood, and there is no Robin Hood. You have all the power you need if you dared to look for it." 

For me, knowledge is magic, and like Schmendrick, I want to employ it at will. So, I read books, watch documentaries, and lose myself in made-up intellectual conversations (because I lack the confidence to have real ones). The world needs people to speak up. But, I am too afraid to try my hand at this kind of magic. Maybe if I stopped caring what people think? 

There is another passage, again, between Schmendrick and Molly Grue. It is towards the end, when the unicorn is facing her final challenge, and magic is necessary to save everyone, but no one wants to play their part. The wizard is accused of indifference:  

Molly Grue: "You don't care! You don't care what happens to her or to the others, just so you're a real magician at last. You don't care-"  

Schmendrick: "Well I wish I didn't care! I wish to God I didn't care about anything but my magic! But I do! I do." 

It seems life would be easier if I stopped giving a shit, and just go off seeking knowledge. But I cannot bring myself to do it. So, I shamble through life, beneath the weight of "caring".

Now, because I procrastinated in writing tonight's post, my meandering thoughts are quite the mess. Instead of some logical, coherent analysis of what I want to do with my life, or at least with my writing, I have presented a seemingly contradicting interpretation of a beloved character from one of my favorite stories. Alas, this has been the state of my thoughts lately.

Here is one last quote from our loveable magician: 

Unicorn: "You are a true wizard now, as you always wished. Does it make you happy?" 

Schmendrick: "Well, men don't always know when they're happy. But I-I think so."