To read a set of words presented such that they arouse my emotions, inspire reflection, and set my sights on new horizons? I know of only three things that could rival such an experience. (And I could find all three explained in books--though reading could never replace any of them.)
"Pellegrina took Edward from Abilene. She put him in his bed and and pulled the sheet up to his whiskers. She leaned close to him. She whispered, 'You disappoint me.' "The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by Kate DiCamillo
These words still give me chills. It is one of many powerfully brutal and honest scenes to be discovered in that beautiful, emotional story. A wise woman delivered it to the very doll she had gifted her granddaughter. He was sent to love the little girl, and appreciate the love that the child returned. He failed at both. What followed was a long, hard journey to discover the meaning and importance of love.
When I had first read that line, it struck me, like a door slamming behind me. Shocked, I put the book down. Memories flooded. My mind whipped off a litany of humiliating moments when others called out my bad behaviors. My body responded to each with a shuddering cringe. That time in the sixth grade when my teacher took me aside and pointed how my pedantic comments during class were distracting and disrespectful. That encounter in a hallway, when my history professor uttered to me a single sentence which managed to encapsulate all the late, half-assed essays I dared to submit in a single semester. That phone call from my employer about a payment I had failed to deliver that cost him a hundred dollars in fees, all at a time when his business was falling apart.
After each moment, I owned my sin, apologized, and was, in turn, forgiven. They were hard lessons. No yelling, or curses, just a firm, direct statement. However, unlike the grandmother, no one said, "You disappoint me." For that, I am grateful. Yet, unlike the doll in the book, I never have failed to value love, and I cannot recall ever having loved myself at the exclusion of others. Sure, occasionally, I have spurned the love of another, especially in my youth. And, multiple times, I have chosen my own wants over the needs of others, usually when I have lost patience. But, I have loved and been loved enough to not require a long, arduous journey to teach me the value of love. Perhaps that is why, as far as I can remember, no one has said, "You disappoint me." Well, not someone I cared about.
Recently, this passage has been on my mind. For several reasons. Not least of all, because the goal of sitting down and writing fiction, and my eternal failure to commit to it, continues to plague my thoughts. They say, draw inspiration from the kinds of stories you loved reading, and The Miraculous Adventures of Edward Tulane tops that list (A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness and The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle, too). So, it has been in the forefront of this ever churning sea of ideas that resides in my head. It is my lighthouse in a stormy sea, guiding me along the rocky coast to a safe harbor. To my first novel.
If I let it...
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