Confessions (#8)

"Sometimes you can think someone is totally cool, but you never become besties."

    ~ Finn to Prismo, Adventure Time

"between two people."

    ~ the bottom half of my fortune from the only fortune cookie that was in the order (the top         half was cleanly cut off)

My two daughters and I were able to experience a tradition this past Wednesday night: order in Chinese food and watch episodes of Adventure Time. While the food was not as good as our usual fare (we decided to try an old place, because it delivers), the entertainment was every bit as good as I remembered. A quote from one particular episode from that night stuck out. That is why I  shared it above. I guess I never caught it the six other times I watched it. Maybe my mind was not ready to make the necessary connections until that night. Perhaps my soul was finally willing to listen to such a profound and humble truth. But, at that moment, I came to realize the countless times I tried to fight against that truth, and how it caused me and other people pain. 

Jealously can blind you; resentment can paralyze you; bad expectations can lead you astray. 

However, with the help of this blog, and some experiences these past several years, I have been able to come to terms with this essential truth. 

But that is not what today's post is about. I will save the above revelation for another day. In the meantime, here is another confession. In the form of a dialogue... between two people. One is cool. The other wants the first to be their bestie.

(Came across this painting by Edvard Munch--the one who did the famous "The Scream" painting--when I did a search for famous art works of friendship. I find the image below both beautiful and relevant.)

What's up!? This past week I completed a long awaited, crucial goal. 

Congratulations! So, you finished the first draft of a novel? Not quite. I have not even started that one. Well, I did spend that one November back in 2015 trying to write the first draft of a 50,000 word novel in one month. I managed 20,000 words. I have not looked at it since. But that is not what I am talking about.

Published your 100th post? Did a complete year of blogging? No, and no. Though both should be completed by the end of March. Interestingly enough, my first blog run saw me writing around 136 posts across several months. However, I never lasted a full year, and most of those posts were fluff.

Okay, did you do that drawing project you have been thinking about since last December? Nope. That is not it. 

Started that project? Uh, No.

Started working on the skills you'll need to complete it? Negative.

Hmmm... it's not writing or drawing. Wait, I know, you read a bunch of fiction books? Still working on that goal. Though, I did return all those books that I borrowed right before the lockdown, almost a year ago. However, I only read one of them. But that was because it was recommended by a friend.  So I had an incentive.   

Interesting. We're not talking about writing, drawing, or reading. Yet it is an important goal, one you're proud enough to write a blog post about. What could it be? Haha! I figured it out. You discussed it all the time in your old blog. Like. All. The. Time. You finally got in shape, right? Oh, wow, funny you should mention THAT goal. I accomplished THAT one way back in September.

Good for you! Yep, then I got out of shape thanks to the whole Nutcracker filming thing, and falling back into old habits. 

Oh. Bummer. Yeah, it sucks. Although I am starting to work on it. But that is not what I am talking about.

Grrr... So what did you finally do that is so damn significant? Well, I grabbed the jar full of loose coins that have been sitting on the counter for God knows how long, took it with me to the grocery store, and converted them into an Amazon gift card!

You did, what?! I finally worked up the courage to convert the jar of coins...

Um, you said it was a crucial goal? Yes, it was, for me, an important accomplishment, one I have been putting off for some time, thanks to my social anxiety and personal fears.

A jar of coins? Yes, a jar of coins.

And you brought them to the grocery store? During one of your thousands of visits? Yep. 

Stood there, put them into the machine, and grabbed the gift card when it was all done? Not exactly. It was not the first thing I did when I got to the store.

So, you didn't just walk into the grocery and head straight over to the machine, and get it over with? Sigh. No, I shopped around a little bit, first, in the produce section. And then in the organic food isle. Because I needed a few more boxes of Kashi bars.

Then you went up to the coin machine? Well, not quite.

Hmmm... what were you doing? I was hanging out in the aisle across from where the machine stood. Pretending to buy some items. 

And why were you doing that? I would rather not answer.

WHY were you just hanging around in the aisle across from the coin machine? Sigh. Because I wanted to make sure that no one was around in case I made a mistake, or if it was out of order.

And? And I still was not sure I was going to go through with it. 

You have problems. I know. But I did it. And it went over without a problem. In my defense, I had an embarrassing situation once with a bank coin machine. While no one seemed to mind--it was the bank's fault--a part of me felt humiliated. So, I have been avoiding it ever since. Hello? Are you still there?

How old are you? Forty-two.

Silence. Oh, okay. Never mind.

Wait... Hey, you came back!

You still haven't written that novel? Um, no.

You have problems. Yea, I do. Maybe you would be willing to help me work through them?

Silence. Sigh. I understand.