Confessions (#9)

On April 5, 2020, I published my first blog post. Well, it was two posts. Because I could not decide the best way to introduce this blog, I published two on the same day. Also, it was not my first blog post. Over six years ago, I tried blog every day--that did not go very far.

This time around, I have been a bit more successful. I am fast approaching the first anniversary of this second round of blogging. In addition, I am four shy of my 100th post. However, after tonight, I only have three Sundays left before celebrating my blog's birthday. Being a stickler for aligning numbers (seriously, you should see my treadmill stats--the miles, time, and elevation have to end in zeroes, or else I feel like a failure), I have to find a way to publish four more posts by April 5, 2021. 

Yes, I am not right in the head. Never was. Most likely, never will be. 

And here is another post to prove it. 

(There is something about the movement in this painting, the colors, and the contrast of the figure in the foreground and the one in the background, that caught my attention. For some reason, it reminds me of a dream sequence I once found in an animation series.)

My mind is constantly dwelling on important life questions. Like, does God exist? What is the meaning of life?  Which career path should I choose? Am I suppose to see connections between events as pure, random coincidence, or part of a greater plan? Should the answer matter? And, of course, if I can have a single superhero power, which one would it be?

Mind reading. I would want to be able to read people's thoughts. No, I do not have some detailed explanation, defending my choice. Or a series of scenarios demonstrating the use of my power to save people's lives, and bring me fame and wealth. Nor have I dwelled too long on possible negative consequences to knowing the mind of those around me. Sure, maybe such raw knowledge will drive me insane, and force me to be alone. It may even invite nefarious people to try and control me. But I am willing to endure that possibility. 

Mostly because I do not intend to tell anyone about it, or use it for any reason except one: to figure out what certain people really think about me. It would be for a specific selfish reason.

Yes. I know the tropes surrounding such truths. Usually it starts off all well and good, with the protagonist learning some silly or unsurprising facts about how his best friend thinks his clothes are cool, or his mother worries that he will not find a job. But then things get real, and his best friend's words and actions are seen in a new light: a year long crush undermined by insecurity. And his favorite coworker's praises turn out to be attempts to hide a betrayal. Oh, and that cute cashier at the grocery store, who laughs all the time at the same joke, well, she got tired of it the first time she heard it, and laughs because she feels the job requires it.

These horrible experiences invite the protagonist to reflect on the dangers of such a superpower, driving him to realize the futility of reading minds. And he gives up the special power, marries the woman he loves, and lives a long and meaningful life.

(Or, if you are into the darker versions, he holds on to it until it drives away everyone who ever loved him, especially that one special woman, and he dies bitter and alone.) 

So, I am aware of the possible repercussions. In fact, I am willing to embrace them. Because having this power will satiate a terrible hunger of mine. Well, three overbearing hungers: my obsessive curiosity, overly analytical mind, and social anxieties. I am always wondering what impact my words and actions have on certain people.  Then I focus too much on specific interactions and events, and examine causes and outcomes, both actual and possible, real and imagined. Finally, underlying this, or perhaps as a result (I am still trying to figure it all out), my anxieties flair up, causing me to constantly question my choices and the reactions of others. And so I turn to daydreaming as an escape (or to reinforce it?).

And daydreaming keeps me from achieving my goals.

Therefore, with this superpower, I could finally be certain about how people perceive me (hey, remember, I already admitted I had not thought any of this through). The good, the bad, and the ugly of it all would be revealed. And I would not need to daydream so much.

Sigh. Or, I could just ask people what they think...

Hahahahahahaha...

(Pst... I actually daydream about directly asking people what they think--even in my mind, it does not always work out well.)