Meandering Thoughts (#6)

An older monk and younger one were traveling along a road. They came upon a shallow but muddy stream. Beside it stood a beautiful woman in a pretty dress. Without hesitation and ignoring his vow to not touch women, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the stream, and placed her down on the other side. Without a word, he continued on down the road.

The younger monk, shocked and angered by his mentor's actions, quickly crossed the stream, and fell in line beside him. Hours passed, and neither spoke. However, the young monk, still disturbed and appalled by what he had witnessed, finally said something.

'Why did you carry that woman, knowing that you were breaking a vow?'

'I did carry her, but I put her down immediately, and left her there by the stream. That was hours ago. So, why are you still carrying her?"

~ Old Buddhist Story

I do love that story. For years I have been trying to develop a version that has a middle-aged monk in there, stirring shit up. Because life is not that simple. And it takes a person in his forties to point that out. Haha.

(I can always count on Norman Rockwell. Seriously, check out these images. There are some real gems. I chose the two below because they reflect different aspects of my current mood. I think they are both powerful, but in subtle ways.)

Yesterday was an entirely good day: I felt happy throughout it, and, in turn, was inspired by it. While it began with an early Saturday morning wake up call, and a bit of anxiety, the day ended in contentment and relief. 

Unfortunately, it also ended with a late bed time and bloated stomach. That snowballed into my getting out of bed at 8 am on Sunday (that is late for me). And while I tried transitioning into a productive day by completing all my morning chores at once (yes, I have a list of morning chores that I endeavor to accomplish daily), my energy faded by mid morning (yes, after starting a load of laundry, I ended up taking a nap around 10:30).  The nap gave me energy, but the dreary weather, a prepped deep fryer, and an a hangover from yesterday's forays into the world of sugar and fat, have all conspired to derail me from getting work done. Several hours later, filled with tempura and coconut shrimp, mozzarella sticks, and a toasted bagel covered in a thick sliced tomato, fresh cheese, and a delightful basil paste, I decided to sit down and write out my blog post. I would be starting nearly six hours earlier than usual. Hopefully it will allow me to refocus, and, God willing, if I get done within an hour or so, I may be able to exercise and finish other tasks.

(For the love of God, it is 2:45 in the afternoon, and I am still in my pajamas!)

So, I am trying to jumpstart the fire that was lit from yesterday's series of positive events. Yes, I have been struggling of late. Not with anything serious, not in terms of medical conditions--at least, not any that I am not aware of.  You see, back in November, I decided to quit "volunteering" at my daughters' dance studio. Nearly five years of stage managing, prop making, and even an occasional week or two of instruction (in arts and crafts, not dancing) needed to end for a variety of reasons. Some practical, some emotional. But I had to put off an official announcement until after the Nutcracker video was finished. A task, for the record, that challenged me on too many levels. 

Yet, after it was completed and posted on Christmas Eve, I had a change of heart. Maybe it was the joy of those children seeing themselves in a film production, the sugar high from a gifted box of candy, or the spirits of the holiday season that inspired me to rethink my earlier decision. Whatever it was, by mid January, I considered hanging on, at least through the June recital, which would again be a video project. Heck, I even contemplated staying around through another Nutcracker season, to get in one more on-stage experience. Sigh. All good things must come to an end. Some times sooner rather than later. Something transpired, making me realize, clearly and unequivocally, my days of "volunteering" at the studio were done.

I sat down with the owner and officially "resigned". For a handful of reasons, I will continue to do a weekly task until June 30th. Also, I let him know that I was available to help out on occasion, and with the knowledge that I will more likely, then not, say no. 

It felt good to end a story arc. But it has been a little scary. A person has many story arcs, and frequently they crossover. As one of those threads are snipped, or simply runs out, the other threads feel it, and react. And you cannot control how people react, only how you choose to move forward. Therefore, the past few months have been a roller coaster of emotions, trying to sort through the storylines, picking up ends, and beginning to weave them into a new story arc.

And yesterday was a really good day, from beginning to end. I could see things more clearly. A pattern began to take shape in the fabric of my life.

It just sucks that I followed it up with a day lounging about in my PJs, binging fried food, avoiding physical activity, taking a late morning nap, and reading ignorant comments on a Facebook post--ugh, so much willful ignorance and resentment! Yes, it is good to relax, get loose, let yourself hang out from time to time. But not right after an inspiring day. Especially not after several months of aimless wondering.

Perhaps this is the test that builds better habits. How I react now will determine how the remainder of the week unfolds. I could just toss aside this laptop, sink into this comfy chair, and pass away the hours daydreaming of what could have been. I mean, I am already wearing the right clothes for wasting away the day.

Or, I could transform this moment into the second step of a more fruitful day (I did complete all my morning chores!), and create a worthy successor to yesterday. At the very least, build a better follow up than a day of total sloth. That is partly why I have overcome my regular Sunday procrastination, and started on this blog post earlier in the day.

Hell, I am almost finished drafting it!

When I am done typing this up, I could take a shower, work on the laundry, then do some reading, or even planning. That would be more rewarding than daydreaming in this chair. Or, I could get up, check on the laundry, get on the treadmill, take a shower, and spend the rest of the day working on that drawing project I have been dwelling on for far too long, but have failed to start. And if I can get some exercise done, and start drawing again, I know it will jumpstart better habits. 

In the end, either path will be better than lounging around the rest of the day in PJs with a stomach full of fried food reminiscing about yesterday, regretting today, and longing for tomorrow.

Why do I even bother with this inner conflict? Why can't I just continue on? Find a way to get things done? Because I built up a lifetime of habits that persist to undermine my aspirations. I want to read more books. I want to write my stories down. I want to draw out my dreams and ideas onto paper.

All my life, days like yesterday come along to motivate me. Anxieties were alleviated; at least two fictional stories were born in my head;  an inspiration to draw arose in me; the night ended with a notion to get started early the next morning.

And all my life, I follow up such days by daydreaming all the motivation out of myself. Yes, daydreaming can be a fuel for my imagination, but more often then not it is a defense mechanism, a tool to avoid following through. An escape. 

Getting rid of it would be a waste. Transforming it would unleash my creativity.

That is why I sat down around 2:45 pm today, despite feeling hungover, and bloated, and sorry for myself, and wrote out this post. It is quite ugly. Lacks details. And sounds pathetic. But it is honest. A part of who I am. And it is done.

Now I can move on to the next task. Then another. String something together. Move forward. Get things done. Read through those book lists that have grown long through the decades. Write those short stories and novels that have been swimming about in my mind for ages. Draw those lifetime of images that have accumulated in my heart and soul.

I just need to keep those anxieties at bay, and those daydreams under control. 

I will let you know how it goes.

Probably in the 99th post. 

And before my one year anniversary of restarting this blog.