A Deep Breath (#6)

Last week's post took a lot out of me. So, today, I am taking a step back. It's in my nature to act this way. I would like to take another leap forward. Perhaps by July 4th? It is an important milestone in US history. Also, I posted something around that time last year, a sort of challenge I would like to overcome. It's relevant to this post. Finally, it's about four weeks away. Plenty of time to come up with something significant. 

If I don't procrastinate.

Sigh.

(Charlie Brown and his friend Linus, discussing some deep stuff.)

 

I've been doing that a lot lately. Sighing. Not so much aloud. Rather, I've been doing it in my imagination and writing. Yes, I sigh in my daydreams. Also in my journal entries. A lot. These long, deep inaudible exhalations run the gamut of emotions: sadness, exhaustion, regret, nostalgia, and frustration. Rarely do they reflect relief. 

(I've also been audibly saying "O-M-G"--and not the actual phrase "Oh My God"--a lot these days. So much so that it has become my catchphrase. I've caught myself saying to no one in particular, like when I'm struggling to clean the pool. Or reading a comment on social media. But that's a story for another day.) 

Maybe it has to do with age. I'm a married man approaching twenty years of commitment, and the father of two daughters in their teens. I was a teacher for thirteen years, and a stay-at-home parent for the past eight. At forty-four, I've lived well over half of my statistical life span. There's plenty of history in that time. Nothing dire, but still, a multitude of minor memories is a lot to reflect upon. 

(And "Self-Reflection" is my middle name. Well, not really. It is more my confirmation name. My true middle name is "Procrastination". But I digress.)

So, why have these present-day introspections produced more sighs? What does my age have to do with any of this?

My guess is that it has to do with the repetition. I'm doing the same old shit. Not in every aspect of my life. Thank god. Well, I'd like to believe I'm better at dealing with people. Less socially awkward. I think I'm more open minded, which is surprising given the current political and cultural climate. Not quite sure about the patience part. I've grown more tolerant of some things. Like how life is so complex. Yet, certain little things annoy me to no end. Like how people get on lines at the supermarket.

But in one area, I know I have to more work. 

It's my fucking procrastination. 

(And my constant damn daydreaming doesn't help. But I have said all this before.)

Hence, my step back: talking about the same damn shit.

Sigh. 

At least I got in another blog post.

(That counts for something...)