The End of Act 1

A drawing of my hand from high school.
I included it in my first blog post.

On April 5, 2020, I started this project. That was 3 years and 191 blog posts ago.

Actually, 3 years and 18 days--somehow I forgot my anniversary.

For me, it is no small feat, lasting this long. True, I committed myself to just one post a week. Though, I was astonished to find out that shortly after beginning this blog, I had already added my first Weekly Checkup (I would end up doing 33 of them, the vast majority in my first year). Within a month, I began my Vegetable Gardening and Me post. While both series tapered off, I stuck with the Sunday deadlines.

Most of the time.

However, with each fall, more often then not I picked myself right up, and published the next week. 

  

But, that I forgot my anniversary (indeed, I skipped the two Sundays leading up to it), troubles me. After all, April is my birthday month, and, in 2020, the beginning of the Lockdown. Both played some part inspiring this blog. So, it should have been on my mind.

Three weeks ago, it would have given me something to write about.

Instead, my life as a human distracted me. Children have places to go; laundry and dishes need cleaning; gardens require attention if you want them to grow vegetables. Also, we humans crave crises when they take place outside our neighborhoods (but avoid them when they occur in our backyards). And so, I drowned myself in articles chronicling the tsunami of ignorance that surrounds me, while struggling to free myself from my own. Finally, it does not help that some of my bad habits keep pushing me under. Between procrastination and daydreaming, I find my head under water more often than not.

It is a nice metaphor. But metaphors are not real. They are approximations human have created to make sense of reality. And some times these metaphors are a poor reflection of the real thing. Other times, they become an excuse to avoid action.

In my case, I am not currently drowning. None of this can compare to my last two years of teaching. Nowadays, I have routines for the daily grind of caring for this household. While I feel for those suffering from the fear and resentment of the willfully ignorant, the latter have not harmed me directly. Not yet. And I do a lot to keep myself knowledgeable and educated. Finally, my habits are within my power to change. I have no one else to blame, but myself.

It is my thoughts that keeps me from riding the incoming waves. In particular, the negative ones. The ones that tell me pretending is better than trying. Why look dumb talking about something, when you can daydream that you did all the work to become an expert? Why start a project in which problems will inevitably arise, when you can just sit there and imagine it completed? Why bother writing down your plans creating accountability, when you can pretend to do it, and then forget about it? And why share something you know will upset people even though you know it needs to said, when you can fantasize that you are able to change people's minds?

What does any of this have to do with blogging? Well, as I have argued so many times before, getting certain of my thoughts out into the world would prevent me from losing my sanity. But I am afraid to put them out there. Blogging for three years should have helped me. However, I have yet to redirect my efforts. I still lack the courage to speak up.  

And so, on this belated third anniversary of my blog, with all these thoughts running through my mind, I have decided to call this post "The End of Act 1".

Maybe this will motivate me to change.

(To be continued...)