My First Writing Challenge (#3)

I made these shelves for my daughter. Yes, they were easy and simple,
but it felt good working with wood again. Occasionally, I forget
how much I love working with my hands, building things.

As of late Friday night, this writing challenge, along with this blog. were officially over. Tonight, the former still holds; the latter, not so much. 

Throughout life, we find ourselves on paths that seem too familiar, with no new landmarks, forks, or crossroads. And at times when we desperately require new scenery. Or at least a sign post informing us what is ahead, and how many miles are left. With nothing to guide us, we begin to realize doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results, is insanity. So, we change things up. Unfortunately, for me, those changes tend to be drastic. Like walking away from projects, dumping ideas, and turning away from people. Now, occasionally, those steps are necessary. The project is no longer necessary or doable. The idea is obsolete, or even destructive. And the person has already written you off, or, worse, toxic. A sudden, sharp break is most effective.

Yet, most of the time, slamming on the breaks, or turning the wheel suddenly towards the right is self-defeating, or even self-destructive. When the road goes ever on without change, and no mile marker to provide a measurement of progress, slowing down, pulling over, and taking a deep breath is the best solution.

Friday night, I wanted to careen off the road, and give up on writing altogether, swearing off the writing challenge and the blog as failures. Let it all crash and burn in the embankment, then leave the scene of the crash, and walk away. Let others deal with the mess.

My old, immature self would have embraced it--I am not proud of those actions. But I have learned a few lessons since the first leg of my teaching career, and in the past decade. First, the meaning of insanity (see above). Second, how to build habits (hint, through small steps, time and patience, and a few setbacks). Third, when to give up, or change direction (not all the time, nor all at once, and definitely not suddenly and drastically, unless absolutely necessary). Fourth, sucking at things is actually the first step (thank you Adventure Time). Finally, that there is no "finally" (until you die).

After tossing and turning all night Thursday, then embracing an end to my first writing challenge and my blogging late Friday, I found myself waking up from a long, deep, refreshing sleep Saturday morning. That is when I split the difference. I would end one writing project, but not the other. The writing challenge may have been a good idea, but I executed it poorly. I will figure something else out. NaNoWriMo has been helpful and inspiring. I made two good runs at it, last year being the most recent (I think fondly of my first semi-successful attempt--some of the scenes still pop into my head). 

The blogging, well, I do enjoy it, despite not mastering it, yet. Currently, there is no clear purpose and direction for it. The original one has played itself out; it is time to choose a new one. I just need to break a few old habits. Instead of doing all of this without a map or a set of directions, and throwing it all together right before my Sunday deadline, I need to make plans. They have to be explicit, and thorough. And I have to review and edit them regularly.   

Yet, one bad habit stands in the way of everything. 

My fear of initially sucking at doing something (like writing and planning) and enduring a lot of practice, in order to start being sort of good at it. (Thank you, Adventure Time).

So, tonight, after I wrap up this blog post, I am going to sit down and make a few lists. One will contain all the goals I have for myself. Another, the projects I would like to do. A third, habits I need to build, remove, or fix. Now, this is lot, and I don't expect to be exhaustive. Also, I am not going to organize it beyond the three categories. There are better ways to do all this. I have read an entire book about one possibility. But I am not good enough for those more effective frameworks. Right now, the goal is simple and messy: do it, suck at it in the process, but have something tangible to work on down the road, that can be analyzed and improved.       

My hope? Tomorrow, I wake up, review the lists, and start making changes. Then repeat every day. And, along the way, I begin crossing items off. Eventually, these lists will improve, and inspire me to create more. They will also motivate me to focus the more effective and rewarding projects and goals. Finally, I will just feel better overall.    

In the meantime, I will continue blogging, because I am not ready to leave this road. Although my eyesight has worsened in the past few years, I am confident that I see a signpost just on the horizon, where this road disappears. Maybe I can pick up a new pair of glasses, and habits, along the way. After all, the scenery on either sides of the road, has been the same: a thick, shadow-filled forest obscuring all kinds of mysteries. It just might hide an interesting rest stop, a useful store, or a scenic detour. 

I will keep driving, at least a little while longer.