Okay, so while doing some preliminary research for this post (i.e., searching through this blog), I discovered something interesting and funny. For the past few weeks I have been anxious about not reaching my 100th post on the one year anniversary of this blogging. You can read about it here and here. Yes, it is not that important, but it would satisfy a certain part of my mind to have those two numbers align.
Well, I am happy to report I discovered a post from back in September, a Weekly Checkup, that seems to have been reverted to "draft" status. Well, I republished it just now, and found the total number of current posts to have finally reached ninety-nine.
Today's post is going to bring my to one hundred!
Sigh. I feel relief. And regret.
Read on to find out why.
(BTW, for the more observant of you, yes, my first two blog posts were published on April 5, 2020. And, yes, this blog post will be published on April 4, 2021, around 10 pm. Unfortunately, for complex reasons, I need to officially publish the weekly blog post on a Sunday night around 10 pm, and quickly follow it up with a Facebook post linking to the blog. Hence the discrepancy in the dates. Trust me, it is complex, but it is worth it.)
(I have shared a lot of beautiful and powerful paintings on this blog, but this is the earliest, and one of my top ten favorite ones.)
On April 5, 2020, I published two blog posts (here and here), and began a year long adventure. Much has been said along the way. Chapters of my life have been opened. Anxieties and dreams have been shared. Plans have been made, broken, revised, and, some times, fulfilled. Through it all, I have written consistently, publishing weekly. There were three times when I passed over a weekend--once was a form of mental vacation, the other two was in order to finish a very important project. And I stopped posting my Weekly Checkups and Gardening Updates. The latter was a seasonal experiment; the former had to be put aside in order to focus on more pressing matters. I will return to both in due time.
So, on this anniversary of restarting my blog, a part of me is proud of what I accomplished. I wrote weekly about sensitive topics: confessions and apologies, goals and aspirations, hopes and regrets. At one point I was publishing three times a week, which forced me to focus on my writing. In fact, my daily journaling was inspired by all this blogging. And journaling has done wonders to my self-awareness, introspection, and lucid dreaming. It has also inspired me to jot down quick notes on my phone of ideas that I can translate someday into articles, novels, videos, and drawings. Basically, this blogging adventure has built up resources and skills that I can apply to other writing goals.
Now, at this point I would introduce that other part of mind, the one that is not happy, the "but" of this conversation. Basically, I would list how I have failed, the goals that I have ignored, and the doubts that I have allowed to fester.
However, I am not going to do that. Not now, at least. Someone once said, with regards to my blogging, that I am too hard on myself. So, on this day, the one year anniversary of my blog, and within this one hundredth post, I am going to say the following.
Many people, ideas, and events have inspired me to grow mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually over the past year. To recognize each one would take many posts, and require a lot of planning. In other words, I would have to stop procrastinating and focus on outlining and executing such an endeavor. Therefore, for the moment, I would like to recognize two groups of people and an idea.
First, two of my former co-workers. I reached out to one of them, asking for assistance with my very first two posts. She read them over, and, together, we spent over two hours on the phone discussing what I had written, but also some very personal and emotional topics. Her input and encouragement formed one of three foundations for my motivation to start this blog. The other co-worker reached out to me, after reading one of my earlier posts about our days teaching together. That he was reading what I had written brightened my day considerably. In addition, his gentle "chastisement" of my self-doubt forced me to rethink certain past events, and for the better. More importantly, his reaching out reminded me of something kind he and his wife once said to me at a party, two years ago: "you need to get back to teaching." Thank you so much.
Second, a special group of people. I will not list each individual, but you should know who you are from the following descriptions. To each of you who has every liked my Facebook post about my blog. Thank you. It is the easiest and simplest way to show me you are interested. To each of you who has every commented on those Facebook posts, sharing your reaction. Thank you. It makes me feel good that my writing has inspired you to respond. To each of you who has texted me or spoken to me about my blog, even if it was indirectly. Thank you. It inspires me to continue blogging, and to plan for ways to improve and expand it. All this positive feedback helps me to grow.
Finally, I need to recognize something that was central to motivating my blogging, but it is the most difficult to talk about. It requires exposing an anxiety I had when the lockdown started over a year ago. It is embarrassing. But it is the truth. In the months leading to the lockdown, I felt like my life was coming into focus. Things were falling into place. Stars were aligning. I was building friendships. My place in the universe was clear. Then everything came to a halt, and when it would end was uncertain. Decidedly uncertain. And an old anxiety, from way back in high school, surfaced. An old fear grabbed hold of me. For a moment, I became paralyzed.
This is so embarrassing. It is going to sound ridiculous. But I was scared... scared of being forgotten. Yes, just like that sentimental eighties song. In fact, it played in my head way too often during that first two months of the lockdown. Fortunately for me, instead of sinking into a self-destructive stupor, I found a positive solution. One that has brought me many rewards over the past year. Has kept me sane through the social and political madness. And has given me hope.
Sigh. Yes, folks, I started blogging again, because I was frightened of being forgotten. It is kind of silly, I know. But it runs deep, from my elementary and high school years.
I blogged again in order to remind people weekly of my existence.
Well, even silly and irrational fears can inspire creative endeavors.
Here's to another year of traveling down this rabbit hole.
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