A Deep Breath (#4)

Sigh. Nothing came of last week's post. The next day, I gave it about ten minutes of thought, and then moved on to other things. More pressing matters. Just do not ask me what they were: I cannot remember.

(The thirteen yards of mulch that I spread throughout my yard over the course of two days--I discovered just how out of shape I am.)

But worse than that gaff, was another failure. I went five days straight without journaling. And that included forgoing my dream entries--there were plenty of them, too. Daily journaling was habit I fostered from around the start of the Pandemic. It was my way off recording my daily thoughts, hopes, and experiences, and then reflecting on them in the evening. By the weekend, I felt emotionally adrift.

   
And, tonight, I almost passed on another writing goal. I was tempted to skip out on my weekly blogging. That move would have crushed my spirit. However, around eight this evening, right after turning on the AC, I decided to sit down and type something up. It will not be much, but I refused to give up on the other habit I have successfully nurtured these past two year.

There is hint of irony here. Despite a week of fruitless writing, I have not been altogether unproductive. In fact, for the past five days, I have completed several yard and garden projects. And my pool is up and running. These successes are forming a positive feedback loop. I have momentum. Indeed, I spent the better part of today busy about the house, preparing myself for the week. Besides the laundry, I did some food prep, work on the shed, and yard clean up. 

All so that I can start working on other projects first thing Monday morning. My goal is to have certain yard and garden milestones completed by Memorial Day weekend.

Right now, I believe I can achieve them. 

So why can I not apply this same process to my writing habit? Convert my daily journaling, and weekly blogging into regular fiction writing?

Or improving my drawing skills?

Well, here is a fact about this week's extensive yard and garden work that is fertilizing future projects (see what I did there? I am so clever). I could have started weeks ago. Except, there was an obstacle. A barrier between my plan and its execution. And that wall was all mental. Of my own creation. A result of ineffective habits and self-doubts laid down since elementary school.  Reinforced throughout high school and college. Recognized  in early adulthood. But never effectively reformed or removed.  

And the physical manifestation of that obstacle is sitting right there in the photo I presented in the beginning of this post.

The explanation will have to wait. I am physically and mentally exhausted, and there is still the matter of a journal entry that needs to be filled.

As for those writing and drawing goals? If only I can identify and remove that single obstacle, perhaps I can gain the momentum I need to progress.

Now, what could it be? 

(To be continued...)