On Dreaming (#14)

A week full of vivid dreams, with a common thread (or two) running through them. I think. This post was not intended to be long. Yet, it may be the longest one so far. Perhaps I am making up for skipping last week. Or, maybe these dreams are best understood collected together. 

Most likely?

I'm still not good at this thing called writing.

(This image is tongue-in-cheek. If you read far enough, you'll understand the reference. Then you will roll your eyes, shake your head, and think I'm immature. Or you'll find it funny like I did.)

   

Monday night witnessed the first in this series of dreams. It began with my walking into a government building, filled with people milling about. I was a spy on a mission. In front of a large doorway stood a desk with woman seated behind it. I approached her. With a wink and a smirk, she handed me a piece of paper. Taking it in my hand, I smiled back, and turned away. 

The paper was pinkish and lined, the size of an envelope, with two names in large type. Around the names were scribblings. I could not make out the meaning. A part of me wanted to ask the woman for help. However, a crowd had formed around me, and not wanting to appear stupid, or give something away, I decided to move forward, through the door.

It lead down a hallway, which eventually dumped me into a crowded corner of a large library. Most of the people were children. Tall bookcases enclosed the space, except for an open door that led to lower levels on one side, and an opening in the stacks that was blocked by a shoulder-high barricade on the other. Because I could not decipher the note, I had no idea what to do. I grew anxious. Then, I convinced myself that some sort of public display was in order, even if it blew my cover. So, I jumped onto the barricade, and tried to climb it. It collapsed. In my mind, I decided that my actions were acceptable. Looking around, I realized no else, including the children, took any notice of my mistake.

Having given up, I turned around, and walked through the door that led downstairs. After some time, my path led into another hallway that stretched out to my left and to my right. Openings lined the passages. I felt like I had entered an old subway system, or World War II military underground tunnel. For the moment, people walked about, busy and distracted. I did not want to attract attention, but I was desperate. Finally, I pulled out that pinkish paper, and tried to read it, again. Still, the words made no sense. Then I looked about at the sign above the nearest arched doorway. They were gibberish to me. Anxious, I considered choosing a random direction in which to walk. 

That is when another woman approached. She asked me if I needed assistance, and I felt as if she knew who I was and about my mission. That I could trust her. However, I hesitated, and ultimately decided to reject her help. She continued on down the hall, and I took off in the other direction. 

As I walked on down endless corridors, past empty doorways, I encountered fewer and fewer people, until I was all alone, unsure of my mission. 

Then I woke up. 

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Across the next two nights, I dreamed vividly. Unfortunately, upon waking from both, I could not recall most of the details.

The first involved Cypher from the movie, The Matrix. He and I were messing around in a long, rectangular basin, like the size of a kiddie pool, but taller sides. Suddenly, the mood changed, and he attempted to drown me. But I got the better of him. Feeling justified, I held his head down, under the water for a long time. Until, looking up, I noticed some woman watching me. Her look made me feel ashamed. So, I let go. 

I woke up soon after.

In the second dream, I was in a room standing across from my deceased mentor. We were working on separate tasks. Everything seemed fine between us. Then, people began to crowd around him, and I sensed that they did not mean well. They were going to say something to him. And a part of me knew it would be upsetting for him to hear. I wanted to give him a warning. However, I felt a distance between us, not just the physical space in the room, but also an emotional one. It was not negative. Yet, I felt like it prevented me from reaching across the divide. 

The dream ended unresolved.

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Thursday night's dream included two characters from the show, How I Met Your Mother. Barney, Ted, and I were sitting in a bar, talking. At some point, we decided the new place across the street would be better. It was an upscale diner, and it had received great reviews. When we stepped outside onto the sidewalk, both guys informed me that they had errands to run. Therefore, we should meet up across the street in a few hours. I was fine with it. So, they turned and walked away, while I crossed the street. Then I had an epiphany. Looking back, I saw where we had left. It was McLaren's Pub, the bar in which many of the show's scenes took place. And, in my dream, I thought it strange that we decided something familiar and mundane was not good enough, that a fancy, new place would be better. 

Realizing I had time to burn, I got into my car, which was parked in front of the diner. As I pulled out of my spot, a thought occurred to me: would this be available when I returned? I panicked. What if I could not find parking later? Should I just stay here? Unusual for me, I decided to risk it, and started down the street. However, I looked back and noticed a mostly empty parking lot behind the restaurant. Surely there would be space available later that day.

Relieved, I continued driving. My thought was to just drive around the city.  But after a few blocks, I grew anxious, again. Fearing I would lost track of time, and end up late, I took the next right down a side street in the hopes of making my way back to the diner.

It became the first of many detours. Approaching the next intersection, I noticed construction. But it was too late. A crew was working on overheard wires that appeared dangerously low, and two state troopers stood on the corner, talking with each other. I considered slamming on the breaks, yet, a different thought overcame me. It seemed the right thing to do was to drive right through it. So I did. Surprisingly, the cops shrugged it off. In fact, upon passing underneath the wires, and coming out unscathed, they waved me on. Even as I attempted to pull over, one of them signaled to me not to worry. I continued by making a right at that intersection. 

Moving along, I assumed I was heading back. Finally, looking about, I noticed I was at the top of hill looking down towards the back of the diner. Except, buildings and alley ways sprung up between me and my destination. There was no direct connection. Worse, night had arrived. I panicked, again. Nearby and to my right, was a dark alley. I turned into it. It led to a dimly lit, confined parking lot behind a desolate warehouse. Sensing danger, I backed out immediately. Another alley appeared. I rode down it. Again, little lighting, empty building, but this time there were people milling about. They did not seem friendly, and they were approaching my car. In fact, I think one of them whispered to me that I did not want to be there.

Well, I tried to back out, but this time the way was blocked off. At the same time, even though I could not see it, I felt the diner was close. I just needed to find a way. So, I willed myself and the car through a nearby wall. 

And it worked!

I found myself back on the main road in front of the diner. In addition, there was an entire line of empty parking spaces, with cars on either ends, like an empty space between two bookends. So, I picked the furthest empty spot and pulled into it, ready to meet up with Barney and Ted.

My dream, however, had other plans. Dissatisfaction crept into my mind. I decided to back up into the spot on the other end. Since there were no cars in between, I put myself in reverse. Then it happened. I lost control. The brakes did not function properly. I drew closer to the other parked car. Fearing a collision, I slammed on the brakes. But a part of me never felt like I had gained back control. Yet, nothing happened. 

Except, I was not sure. At that moment, I decided, I either I avoided an accident, or it happened and I just did not give a shit.

I got out of the car, walked into the restaurant, and sat down at my table. Barney and Ted were already there, and they had ordered, but I did not care. Instead, I was surprised and grateful that they seemed to care enough about me to ask how my afternoon had gone.

Just as I was going to answer them, I woke up.

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For Friday night, I had three separate dreams in a row: I remember nothing of the first one, some of the second, and most of the third.

The second dream took place at the school where I had worked. I was in the gym. Students, most of them fourth-grade boys from a particular class I had taught, were taking exams in front of me. Other things were happening in the background. One boy in particular was clearly struggling (he had done so in real life, both emotionally and academically). I was attempting to help him, when my mentor walked by. There was an exchange between us, but I cannot remember if it was verbal or just looks. However, I distinctly remember it was not bad, but also not good. Just neutral. Then I walked away, and entered a classroom. I crossed it, heading for the outside exit. I did not think much of my actions, because I thought the children were just studying for exams. However, I finally noticed my co-worker (one who, in real life, had confronted me about doing this very thing), standing there giving a lesson. In the dream (and real life), I felt bad, and apologized. However, she did not seem bothered. In fact, she laughed it off. So, I continued on, left the room, and walked along the side of the building, until I found an empty classroom. Entering it, I found it dimly lit, with a door that opened up to the bright glow of the gym. Children were playing and talking joyfully. However, their happiness felt distant, like in the background. Yet, I still felt content. 

Everything then shifted, and I entered the third dream. It was the pool area of a hotel. There  a small pool and a hot tub. Two boys, from the previous dream, were talking to me. Then they left, and I decided I needed to test the chemicals in the water. It was my job. It turned out that I was the pool boy. However, people were swimming, and I felt self-conscious about running tests in front of them, so I paced about, contemplating my next move. Finally, a sense of urgency and necessity compelled me to attempt this task.

Yet, I struggled to kneel down and collect water samples. The tiles surrounding the pool were slippery. People were watching me (I guess I had not overcome that feeling). This particular woman, whom I did not recognize, kept coming up close, and getting in the way. In addition, there was some other force, invisible, hindering my actions. In the end, I acquired a sample, and tested the water. But the results were confusing. I hesitated to draw conclusions. Feeling self-conscious again, I left the area through a side door.

It brought me into a dimly lit hallway, with other doors to other pool areas. The walls were all glass. I stood at one end of the hall, while the other end faded into shadows. I reviewed the test results, but, despite being alone, I struggled to decipher them. I was second guessing my abilities as a pool boy. As I continued to work on this, I began to feel that people were looking at me through the glass walls. Exhausted with my anxiety, I finally made a decision. The water was safe. But I was going to add chemicals anyway. 

There was relief, but it lasted only a moment. Now I worried about when to add the chemicals that were not really needed. People were still swimming. If they saw me adding chemicals, maybe they would question the current safety of the water. Then I would feel bad. Yet, if I waited until after everyone left, my boss would be angry that I was doing overtime. Or something like that. Not sure the reasoning for holding it off. Just that there was yet another excuse to hesitate.

Well, it was at that moment when the dream took a turn. One moment, I stood alone, struggling to make a choice. In the next moment, from the shadows at the end of the hallway, walked a woman. As she walked by me, I noticed she was beautiful, and that she wore a very short, flower print silk robe that barely fit her. I glanced away. When I looked up again, she had entered one of the other doors, across the hallway, that led to a hot tub.  In fact, she was standing at the edge, preparing to step into it. 

Sigh. 

And, there in front of me, framed by the open door, providing it's own glow, was the smoothest, roundest ass I had ever seen. Like a moon descending into an ocean, it sunk into the hot tub. In that moment, I considered following after her.  Although I cannot confirm it, I may have taken an actual step towards that room. 

Alas, I turned away, and returned to original pool area. Again, the dream shifted. People were still moving about, having fun. Their happiness inspired me to work harder on keeping the pool safe. Yet, that old anxiety crept back. While I wanted to work on the pool, I did not want them observing my actions. Nor did I want them to think the pool was unsafe. At some point, I was navigating the slippery area between the hot tub and the small pool. Then the woman from before, still fully naked, pushed past me, and walked away. Her ass was still as bright as before, even in the well-lit room. 

This time, I followed it.

And I slipped and fell into the water on my right. She never noticed, or, if she did, I did not see it. Instead, I was focused on getting out. Feeling stupid, I waded over to the opposite edge.

Now the dream took its third, and final twist.

As I was pulling myself, all wet, out of the water, Bob Saget appeared, and walked past me. Then he turned around and walked back to me. I was certain he was going to mock me. Instead, he made small talk, simple but polite. He asked me how I was doing. I said, okay. Then, in my mind, I realized it would be rude not to ask him the same. So, I did. He responded with a "fine". After giving his one word answer, he walked away.

This abrupt ending gave me relief. Maybe it was the desire to get out of my wet clothes. Perhaps the need to finish my tasks. Or the feeling that I did not want anyone to think I had to engage a celebrity just because they show up. In any case, I decided I wanted to move on.

Well, my dream had other plans. The lights dimmed, and a disco ball dropped. Bob Saget turned around, and started talking to me, again. 

A part of me wanted to break it off. However, another part of me said I needed to listen to him. That it was the right thing to do at that moment. Like, he needed to be around me. So, we walked together, stopping at a broken diving board. He sat down, I remained standing. Then he starts talking about something. We look across the pool area. Through the darkness, on the other side, is an arcade. The light is bright, but the colors are faded. There is activity. Bob Saget starts reminiscing to me about the arcade, how great it was at one time, and how he misses that experience. 

I do not want to be there. But I have to be there. He needs me there. 

So, standing in my still wet clothes, pool tasks unfinished, and a beautiful bare-naked woman walking about, I continued to listen as he shared his struggles. When finishes speaking, he looks up at me, waiting for a response. 

I start talking. All goes black. I wake up.  

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This is the last one. It is not a pleasant, funny, or respectable ending to this series of dreams. In fact, it is obscene. Yet, this dream is the most honest and raw. And so I share it here.

I was sitting in a dorm room, on a bed. Across from me, on his own bed, sat another young man, who, for moment looked like Robert Di Nero. Out of frame, were two other people, one being a young woman, the other, I am not sure. We are all talking. I look away. When I look back, Robert Di Nero has transformed into one of my ex-roommates from college. I notice something else. His legs are spread, and his penis is sticking out of his shorts. 

I have no idea if he is unaware of the situation, or if he is doing it on purpose. Either way, I get up, turn to my left, and stand by a large window. I am looking away, staring off into the distance. But try as I may, I cannot ignore what follows. An argument ensues. The young woman points out the obvious, but the young man refuses to acknowledge it. She is not angry, nor does her voice waver. She continues to point out what has happened. Eventually, the young man begins to respond to each of her complaints with the same phrase. Like a mantra. I cannot remember the exact words, but I understand clearly his intentions. He wants to be able to admit what has happened, but he also wants to leave enough room to deny it later. Like a lawyer, or a politician. He never quite completes the phrase, as if it is a way out of the situation. 

His responses increasingly irritate me, until I become angry. And still, he goes on. I grow resentful. He has become everything I hate about the current political climate. The incessant diatribe of people who should know better, and their followers who go along with it. I do not want to get involve, to turn around and face this situation. 

I hate him now.

But I hate my silence even more.

Finally, I focus on the young woman, alone, standing up to him. Consistently confronting him. Steady and persistent. I look to her for guidance. She gives none.

Rage fills me and I break. 

Turning away from the comfort of that window, I walk up to the young man, and berate him. Yelling, screaming, thrashing my arms about, I scold him for his response. I tell him to confess. To admit his wrongs. That all would be forgiven. If he would just be honest, this would all come to a good end. He could still save face; she is willing to move forward.

And, in the dream, I believe all this to be true.

When I stop, he responds, doing something I did not expect. He comes clean. The young woman thanks him. All is calm.

Except me.

Disgusted with myself, I decide to leave. 

As I walk to the door, I am finally aware of something that has eluded me since I decided to look out the window.

While I was ignoring the situation, the people in the room had rearranged the furniture!

Standing at the on the verge of leaving, I look over my shoulder, glancing one more time at the young woman. Fully composed, and almost as an after thought, I say, "You changed the room." 

I did not wait for a response.

Then I woke up.