Confessions (#1)

Smart people are always wrong, until they finally discover that they are right.

Everyone else walks through life believing they are right,

Unless they become smart, 

and learn that they are always wrong. 

The following was inspired by yet another political Facebook post that took me three minutes to debunk, because it sounded too absurd, but somehow was so certainly true to another person, that they failed to question it before sharing it.

(The first image is by Ramon Casas, which I chose as a more tongue-in-cheek representation of this post. Though, I still think it is beautiful, and very relevant for other reasons. The second image is Ferdinand Georg Waldmüller, and is a more serious take on my current feelings, particularly the figure in the foreground. But, notice the bright light resting on the child. There is hope.)

I have a confession to make. Well, I have quite a few, but, tonight, I will share only one with you. I do not consider myself a very smart person. Now, that may come as a surprise to some of my readers. However, it is true: I do not believe I am smart. And it does not matter how you define the word. Whatever meaning you choose, in my mind, I will not fit it. To some, my knowledge may appear broad. but in reality, I possess a shallow grasp of many topics. During my formal education, I was not studious, and failed to retain most of the information. During my informal learning experiences, I never followed through with my curiosity, and ended up with a partial understanding of a topic. Even history, a topic that constantly thrills me, confounds me. While I have the big picture, underlying themes, and some stuff in between, I would never be able to explain it adequately.  

Part of my struggle is my lack of ambition. Despite a deep desire to understand things, a laziness prevents me from satiating my curiosity too deeply. You will not find me taking a full course of study, or pursuing a degree; reading a slew of books at once on an issue; or sitting down and writing out my analysis for "peer" review. Instead, I find a statement that piques my interest, ask a question or two, and seek a half dozen answers. And just as I scratch the surface, I stop abruptly. I pull back. Despite acquiring lists of interesting books, documentaries, and lectures during my brief research, I change course, and move along other paths of discovery.

I fail to follow through. 

Another reason for my struggle has to do with my obsession with learning. This desire can inspire, but also suppress. It is a double-edged sword; a Catch-22. As I am constantly accumulating and analyzing knowledge, I become acutely aware of what I do not know. Discovering new things reveals more and more of my ignorance. And so, doubt undermines my previous convictions. Uncertainty gives way to a lack of confidence. Hesitation ensues.

Again, I fail to follow through.

Finally, I have discovered certain people who are so confident in the certainty of their righteousness. They assert strong, overarching claims. And they condemn and ridicule the beliefs of those with whom they disagree. They do all of this while never once questioning themselves. In other words, they are alien to me, who is a person who is always questioning his assumptions. At first I thought it might be envy. But after careful thought, I realize that it is despair. Mostly because these people are everywhere, among the uneducated and the experts. I am surrounded by them. And, because they are so foreign to me, I am obsessed with understanding them, testing my patience and drawing on my energy. I want to ignore them, but I cannot.

I fail to move on. 

Sigh. So here I am on a Sunday night, wishing I had ignored those people who claim to be smarter than me, posting, sharing, and saying ridiculous things. Standing up shouting their opinions as if they were reality. Distractions, that I would do better to ignore, save that a part of me wants to teach them to free their minds. To inspire them to make the world a better place. To work with them so that we can transcend the human condition together.

Alas, I am not smart enough to know how to do it. And I am too lazy to figure it out.  

But, by God, do I want to try, because I am so damn sick of it... and I refuse to descend into resentment and hatred.