Confessions (#2)

On the eve of another intense week (that will most likely spill into two), and after spending three days sitting around, unproductive, in a creative malaise, I feel the need to confess the following. Maybe it will inspire me to make some changes. Or purge my system of some self doubts. At the very least, it will satisfy my goal of blogging weekly. And right now, this blog is my only hold on the person I wish to be. 

(Muses, a very interesting and beautiful photograph series by Christy Lee Rogers.)

Sigh. 

I have a problem with following through on things. Thanks to daydreaming, I have no shortage of ideas, goals, and dreams. Because of daydreaming, I stop short of translating these thoughts into action. On the rare occasion that I take some steps, an obstacle appears, and my progress comes to a halt. Basically, in my mind, a design is born, analyzed, rejected, resurrected, re-examined, tested, updated, and, if I am lucky, implemented. All before I put it into practice. But then my procrastination accelerates deadlines, and forces me to make concessions and compromises, and not the good kind. In addition, as a concept takes physical form, reality introduces unforeseen surprises and constraints. And the cycle begins again as I scramble to conceive solutions to new problems, but in less time. 

What I started with is no longer there in the end, and, worse, the process is filled with resignations and regrets. While outsiders may congratulate me on a job well done, or reassure me that the results are good, I know what could have been, and, more importantly, the pain I endured to see the vision half fulfilled.

It becomes exhausting to not complete something to one’s own specifications.

As the holiday season unfolds, from the weekend before Thanksgiving until Christmas morning, my daydreaming goes into overdrive, as my creative muses dance about in my imagination. My mind explodes with decorating ideas to adorn my house, cover my tables, and fill my windows. Every year, the muses conjure plans for lighting my house; I have yet to wrap my two columns in red and white lights, or build the two lit snowman (or Nutcracker Dolls: I can never decide) to stand guard by the steps. For five years, they have cataloged wreath designs for the windows; it was only last year that I finally purchased the bases for them, and now I am confused about how to wrap those wire frames. Finally, ever since my mother-in-law gifted us her family placemats, the muses have collected images and patterns for new ones; I have collages in mind for Thanksgiving and Christmas, both in fabric and paper form, but nothing to show for it.

Then there are the cards and the handmade gifts for my family (my nephews and nieces, siblings, parents, and my wife and two daughters), close friends (all two of them), and acquaintances (the ones who have been kind to me). The muses never disappoint in that area. However, more often then not, I fail to execute. Throughout the year, ideas abound, starting with the day after last Christmas, on through the Fourth of July; well past the first day of school, and up on through Christmas Eve. Fortunately, this year, as a new habit, I have begun to list them in a note-taking app. Unfortunately, certain old habits get in the way of following through. So they sit there on the list. There are the personalized ornaments, worthy of the title “keepsakes”, inspired by past experiences, worthwhile memories, and inside jokes. Then there are the holiday cards, with interesting photographs or images, put together with care, and lined with a personal message. Inspired by a family member’s past gifts, and encouraged by my own desire to draw more, small, hand-drawn pictures have been included. In addition, I want to get back into woodworking, writing notes and vignettes, and short videos, to share directly with certain people. Finally, baking. Yes, I want to bake fancy Christmas cookies and give them away. There is a recipe I discovered a decade ago, that someone else used to create the most delicious fruit cake. The person has since moved, and I have wished, ever since, to make that dessert. 

Yes, this all sounds overwhelming and stressful, and will likely produce appreciation and reciprocation disproportionate to the thought and energy I put into each gift. But it would make me so happy to see my ideas come to fruition, to give a part of myself, and do so in line with my own feelings about the person. I love to create things with my hands, and I am more than willing to endure some discomfort in the short term, in order to derive great pleasure down the road. 

Unfortunately, my struggles with completing tasks and achieving goals spill over into outside commitments. For the past twenty years--ever since I started teaching, and up through the past five years of volunteering at my daughters’ dance studio—I have been engaged in one holiday event or another that consumes all my time attention, energy, and creativity from the weekend before Thanksgiving to the weekend before Christmas. Because my approach to work can be counterproductive and inefficient, I become frustrated instead of excited, anxious instead of hopeful. Granted, there have been external forces that have at times undermined my efforts, and so beyond my power to change. However, my internal struggle with daydreaming and procrastination has been a serious obstacle to achieving happiness and satisfaction during these events. They have also been a barrier to my personal creative endeavors.

And so, here I sit, the Sunday after Thanksgiving, contemplating the commitments I have piled up before me, that need to be accomplished by the weekend before Christmas—and a few by tomorrow afternoon. All the while, my Muses taunt me with beautiful visions of gifts and decorations that I could be creating. They deal before me, like playing cards, images that I desire to draw. Finally, they whisper into my ear the stories I want to write, and sing aloud the thoughts I wish to share. 

But at least I published this blog post…