A Deep Breath (#8)

I began this post around 10 am, with the hopes of finishing it by noon. Something got in the way. The past kind of caught up with me. Better now, though. After some ruminations and conversations, I came back to this post, and wrapped it up. A little halfheartedly. However, I finished it. Now on to laundry and other chores.

(Well, at least the interruption has given me fodder for a future post or two.)

(I decided to grow short sunflower plants in a pot out front. They were doing so well, until a deer decided to feast on them. I had not thought of that eventuality. Perhaps an analogy to current events in my life? The question now is how will I react?)

A Deep Breath (#7)

It is noon on a bright, hot Sunday about midway through July. A busy week is unfolding, and I have a blog post to complete. But, my pool, which I have only experienced twice this season--both times last week--beckons. That is why I spent the morning completing chores and minor goals. Mostly laundry and some gardening tasks. And prepping the pool. It is also why I am sitting in my bedroom, on a recliner, trying to knock out a post.

I intend to get into that pool before dinner.

(An explanation for the photo is in the post itself.)

Confessions (#18)

Since last Saturday, I have been on vacation, spending time with family at a North Carolina beach. I used it as an excuse to avoid writing last week's blog post. And I would have let it go, if not for all the other missing blog posts since the beginning of this year. So, I became disappointed with myself. That led to a lack of daily journaling. Five straight days went by without any written self-reflection. However, there was plenty of internal self-criticism. In addition, except for Sunday, I deliberately avoided my vacation ritual: a daily, early morning hike up and down the beach, followed by an hour long talk with my parents. Like a positive-feedback loop, things spiraled out of control. The planned fiction writing? The random sketches? Nothing. Finally, by mid week, I put away the three books I had packed for this trip--without a single page read.

Please do not think I did not enjoy my vacation. I had a lot of fun, between the good food, playing in the ocean with my daughters, seeing my nephews, talking with my family, and hanging out with my wife. And I did get to relax, whether it was drifting with the waves, going out to eat instead of making dinner, or just staring out the car window listening to music and funny conversations.

However, I have a problem. It is like people who suffer from chronic anxiety. No matter how relaxing and calm the situation, these people will find something to be anxious about. While it may not always be debilitating, it remains frustrating. Worse, it reinforces the behavior. It becomes an endless cycle.

For me, it is creating. No matter the place and time, I fret over the projects that I have not started, or the ones I have not completed. Rather than confronting this mental obstacle, I avoid it, by daydreaming. But daydreaming is a drug--it is temporary. Soon, I realize I am not getting anything done, and I get annoyed with myself. The cycle begins anew. The worst part is that most of this happens exactly when I should be taking it easy, and enjoying the present moment.

Precisely because I am not creating when I should be, I hate myself when I do not create when I am relaxing. 

So, what causes this internal strife? Have I found a viable solution?

Read on to find out.

(From the show, Adventure Time. IMHO, one of the greatest animated series of all time.)

Confessions (#17)

When I realized this post was a confession of sorts, I went looking for the last one. It was a deep dive that took me all the way back to October 17, 2021. I read the post. Three things shocked me. 

First, the number. Sixteen confessions? Wow, I do reveal a lot.  

Second, the date. Eight months? Boy, can I be inconsistent.

Finally, the content. Procrastination? Missed writing opportunities? Apparently I have not changed much.

Just like I explained in that last confession, I approached this post intending to write something specific, on a topic I chose a week ago. However, life and my habits got in the way. And just like last time, I draw the same conclusion: sitting down and typing all this out is still better than skipping another week.

Or giving up entirely.  

 

(It has been a month since I have shared artwork. Found this a week ago while researching a different topic. Can't remember the original topic, but I noticed her face among the list of images that came up. Besides that look on her face, there is something about a woman in a hat. The artist is Emile Friant. I found a few of his other works interesting and beautiful.)

A Deep Breath (#6)

Last week's post took a lot out of me. So, today, I am taking a step back. It's in my nature to act this way. I would like to take another leap forward. Perhaps by July 4th? It is an important milestone in US history. Also, I posted something around that time last year, a sort of challenge I would like to overcome. It's relevant to this post. Finally, it's about four weeks away. Plenty of time to come up with something significant. 

If I don't procrastinate.

Sigh.

(Charlie Brown and his friend Linus, discussing some deep stuff.)

 

Revelations (Part 3)

A person, who claims to be a Christian, once posted this meme to a Facebook page. I consider their use of this meme ironic. Unless I am mistaken, Jesus was the Shepard. Not the leader of wolves. He left his flock to save a single lost lamb. And he did so without using violence. In fact, he endured it instead. 

For me, this meme speaks deeply to what is wrong with our present-day political and cultural discourse.

 

A Deep Breath (#5)

Some day I will write something worthwhile. For now you will have to settle for the following. And while the content my be trivial, even a bit repetitive, I would like to think my deliver is slightly different. With a few surprises thrown into it. 

In case you were wondering, I am employing an exercise I learned from a YouTuber whom I highly respect and admire (and who is nothing like me, right down to his skinny body covered in tattoos). He goes by Struthless. When he struggled to draw regularly (he had a mental block created by a negative teacher), he employed a lesson that a professional artist shared with him.

Draw the same object each day for a year.

Struthless chose a cartoonish bird. And every day, he drew this bird. Not the same way each time, but slightly different iterations. In the beginning, the bird found itself alone on a page. Eventually, forests would spring up, or a building would appear. There were days in which the page was covered in doodles and designs. And some times there were days in which the bird appeared the same as it did on day one. Except the lines were darker, more confident. 

In the end, Struthless broke from this habit, and started his own animation studios. Well, a lot happened in between, but it began with drawing the same object every day for a year.

I am not ready to write every day, however, I am committed to blogging once a week. Even if it means rehashing the same material, with some slight adjustments.

(A second pile of mulch, which I managed to spread in two days.)

A Deep Breath (#4)

Sigh. Nothing came of last week's post. The next day, I gave it about ten minutes of thought, and then moved on to other things. More pressing matters. Just do not ask me what they were: I cannot remember.

(The thirteen yards of mulch that I spread throughout my yard over the course of two days--I discovered just how out of shape I am.)

A Deep Breath (#3)

After last Sunday's lengthy post, I will keep today's entry rather brief. On my phone, in the Chrome browser, are over hundred open tabs. They comprise articles that provoked in me intellectual and emotional responses. The oldest, I believe, has remained untouched since last September. The youngest was discovered within the past twelve hours. I have collected them in the hopes of writing down my initial reactions, doing some research, and arriving at revised conclusions. Then I would share these findings on my blog.

On Dreaming (#14)

A week full of vivid dreams, with a common thread (or two) running through them. I think. This post was not intended to be long. Yet, it may be the longest one so far. Perhaps I am making up for skipping last week. Or, maybe these dreams are best understood collected together. 

Most likely?

I'm still not good at this thing called writing.

(This image is tongue-in-cheek. If you read far enough, you'll understand the reference. Then you will roll your eyes, shake your head, and think I'm immature. Or you'll find it funny like I did.)